My husband and I had been married a little
over one year when things changed. Drastically. We had our first child. One
month later, he started a new job. We moved to a new town, far, far away from
family and friends. I joked that it was
the “perfect recipe” for a crisis situation. But I was fine, I said. Sure, the
adjustment was hard, but I’m strong! I’m resilient! I’m flexible! I made it
work. Or so I thought.
When my son was 9 months old, we found out we
were expecting again, a total surprise. But I got this! I love having babies! But the pregnancy was harder this time, since I had a toddler to chase around.
Things were rocky in my relationship with my husband, but we would manage. We
would get through this! But slowly, as things got worse and worse, I found
myself thinking they would never get better. I struggled to be there for my husband and son. I no longer had the desire to be a wife or mother.
After the birth of our sweet little girl, I
was still in denial of how bad things were. But slowly I realized they were getting worse; I was
getting worse. I couldn’t keep up with housework at all. Dishes would sit on
the counter and mold. Laundry would never get done. I stopped cooking dinner. I
would get up in the morning to make us some breakfast, and then lay on the
couch watching TV. I wanted to stop breastfeeding, for no real reason. I
couldn’t keep up with diaper laundry, and we switched to disposables. Things I
used to identify with so much, that used to define me as a mom, I was abandoning.
I was addicted to my iPhone, constantly playing games or on Facebook. It was my
escape from the painful reality. I also had uncontrollable rage. The littlest
things would set me off on my husband or my son. Overreacting is an
understatement.
Finally, I realized this was NOT normal. I
stated looking at symptoms of Postpartum Depression. They seemed to fit,
mostly. My husband and I talked about it, and I decided to see a Christian
counselor. Being kind of a “crunchy” mom, I was pretty opposed to medicine. I
told myself if I could just do yoga, and go for walks, and drink water and eat
right, I would get better. I wasn’t even sure I was dealing with depression. I
still felt like it was entirely my fault for being worthless and lazy.
Meeting with a therapist is what really
helped me come to terms with my illness. Hearing someone else say, “This is not
just in your head, you are dealing with some serious stuff, and it’s ok. We’ll
work through it together” was a cool wave of relief. Suddenly I wasn’t just
“crazy.” Here was someone on my team, willing to listen and help.
I had only met with my counselor twice before
my father was involved in a serious bicycle accident. I spent a few weeks up
with my family, and during that time my attitude about medication changed. I
realized this wasn’t just “postpartum” depression, this was an ongoing
depression I was just now noticing. I wanted to feel better. I needed to feel better. I made an
appointment with my doctor, and after much thought and discussion with friends,
family, and therapist, I decided to take the medication.
I have been dealing with depression for
almost two years now. But it was only recently that I realized and sought
treatment. As a nurse, I knew all the warning signs of depression. But I
thought I was just lazy. I was filled with guilt over what a horrible wife and
mother I was. Coming out of the fog of depression, I am shocked to see just how
bad my depression was, and how blind I was to it. I still have bad days and
good days. But the good days are slowly starting to outweigh the bad. I have a
renewed commitment to my marriage, and I finally have the energy to be a parent
and do the housework. Most important, I have the energy in the morning to do a
quiet time and spend some time in the sweet presence of The Lord.
Though I’m still slowly climbing out of my
depression, I want to share some things I’ve learned with my sisters who may be
struggling.
1.
Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not “spiritual enough.”
Can
faith in God cure depression? Sure. Just like He can cure cancer, bicycle
accident injuries, and the common cold. Depression is a disease. If you would
seek treatment for a physical condition like say, diabetes, there is no reason
to not seek treatment for a mental condition (And I don’t mean to just
medication. There are lots of non-pharmaceutical treatments for depression that
can be very effective).
2.
You deserve to feel better
You
are a beloved daughter of the King. He LOVES you, and me. Do you think for one
second that He wants you to be drowning in sea of worthlessness and guilt? And you
don’t just deserve to feel better just so you can be a better wife and mom. You are
made in the image of God, and you bear His mark. YOU are enough reason to seek
healing.
3.
It will get better. I am still struggling to
believe this, but I have to keep reminding myself of this truth. Things will
not always be like this. God allows us to go through fiery trials to grow us,
to prune off the dead branches, to make us more like Him. It hurts. But in the
end it is for our benefit, and His glory.
Dear sister, if you are suffering in
depression, you are not alone. Speak out. Talk to a trusted friend, find a
Christian therapist who is trained in dealing with mental illness, join a
support group. If you hear nothing else I say, hear this: You are worthy of
help. You do not have to struggle alone. And there is hope in Him.
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