The Scarlet "C"- Story of a “regret mom”

Image Credit: www.bayareaintactivists.org/

I have debated writing on this issue for a while. I want to talk about it, but I’m honestly scared. This topic is so sensitive, and yet it must be addressed. I cannot keep silent anymore. 

In early spring of 2012, my husband and I found out we were having a son. We were so excited! I had been researching more and more into natural childbirth, and was finding my place in the online communities dedicated to the support and encouragement of moms who wanted this type of birth experience. I knew deep down this was the way birth was meant to be, and I was thrilled to be around people who understood and felt the same way.

As with many “natural” childbirth circles, other topics are often discussed: breastfeeding, organic eating, natural/homemade cleaners and beauty supplies…….and circumcision. I was already pretty familiar with the term, having grown up in a Christian home reading about Abraham's covenant with YHWH, and Paul’s addressing the question of circumcision in the early Church.  But for all that, by the time I got to college, I still really had no clue as to what it meant to “circumcise” someone. I remember sitting in anatomy lab late one night with just a few classmates as our teacher illustrated on the white board what was removed during the procedure. It helped, but I still didn’t quite understand (again, conservative Christian home, I had never even seen an adult penis in real life, let alone an intact one).

Fast forward to my third semester of nursing school: Maternal-Child Nursing, where part of our clinical requirements included assisting with circumcisions of newborn babies. I can remember the room, the bassinet, the purple glove and the little container of sugar water, a glint of silver from a clamp, but that’s it. I couldn’t tell you what happened to those babies. I don’t know if they slept or screamed. What they looked like before and after the procedure. I am definitely starting to wonder if perhaps my brain has shut out those terrible memories. I cannot tell you the shame and remorse I feel knowing I assisted in the cruel and unnecessary cosmetic surgery of those newborn. But that’s not how I thought of it then, of course.

Several years later, while pregnant with our son, I started hearing snippets of conversation about circumcision, people sharing how unnecessary and harmful the procedure actually is to boys. I started to wonder if perhaps we should look into leaving our son intact. However, I allowed myself to be swayed by my friends, family, and spouse. All the men in my family are cut, so it didn’t seem like that big of a deal for our son. Not to mention, if God had commanded His beloved people to perform the procedure on their sons, it really couldn't be as bad as other claimed, right?

I remember wanting to go in the room with our son during the procedure, but the doctor basically told me I couldn’t. I already felt beaten down by the opinions of others, and I didn’t have it in me to fight the doctor. Heart plummeting, I let him take my newborn son away. When they brought him back some time later, he was calm and sucking on a pacifier. We hadn’t really introduced pacifiers yet, so that frustrated me. Then I noticed a pink stain on his collar. The doctor told me it was Tylenol. I was livid that they would give my newborn son Tylenol, and pink-dyed Tylenol nonetheless, without my consent. What if I had already given him a dose? We left the clinic, and buckled our son in his seat. He began screaming. He screamed the entire way home. I knew from that moment on we had made a huge mistake. 

Once home, I sat down in the rocker with the Boppy pillow and tried to comfort him, but he was too upset to nurse and was extremely fussy. I began crying, wondering why I had allowed this to happen to my little baby boy. But as time wore on, I convinced myself it was OK. He healed fine, and besides wasn’t it recommended? Wouldn’t it keep him healthier? I had just had to justify what we did to our son. I even tried writing an article in defense of circumcision, an undertaking I eventually gave up on because I realized I could not fully support my own conclusions.

 I refused to admit that circumcision was anything like Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), they were obviously SO different. Right? It won’t have any longer term effects. Right? It’s healthier for him. Right? No, no, and no. I began to learn more about the functions of the foreskin. I learned how the loss of a foreskin affects a man, AND his sexual partners. I learned that no other first world country practices routine infant circumcision, and their men are just as healthy, if not more healthy, than ours. Slowly, I began to see just how wrong it was to take away this healthy part of a baby boy’s genitals.

It isn’t easy to admit that. Before I allowed myself to accept that as truth, I could believe I had done a normal, healthy thing for our son. Now, I live daily with the regret of what I did. I allowed my son to be strapped down to a table, his penis ripped apart by a scalpel, for no reason other than cosmetics. I know someday I will have to sit down with my son and explain to him what I have done. I will have to ask his forgiveness for forever altering his most private area and removing his most sensitive, erogenous tissues, without good reason and without his consent. With every bath, with every diaper change, I relive the knowledge of what I took not only from my son, but from his future wife as well.

I am a regret mom. Like a scarlet letter, I bear the title with an odd mixture of shame and pride. I can stand here today and encourage other moms to keep their sons perfect and whole, the way they were born. I can say with all honesty “I went there, I did that, and it was terrible. Please don’t choose the same path I did.” I will stand up and speak truth so that someday no boys will have to be hurt the way my son is hurt. It isn’t easy to speak up, either. My spouse and my parents think I’m crazy. They don’t understand why this is such a big deal to me. Maybe someday they will. But for my son, “someday” came too late. I look forward to the day when this barbaric practice is so unheard of in our country that people won’t be able to believe we actually used to treat our newborn sons this way.  

For more information on circumcision and why I believe it is an unnecessary, cosmetic procedure, please visit:

www.thewholenetwork.org

www.drmomma.org

www.intactamerica.org/

www.savingsons.org/

www.facebook.com/WholeChristian

www.thebirthingsite.com

Wonderfully Made

Today was story time at the library today. The theme was “I am special!” and we sang songs and read books about how we are all unique, special individuals. How there’s no one else like us. I thought about how wonderful it was to see kids singing about loving themselves, just because they are themselves. And then I thought about how much of that is lost as kids grow up.

I thought about our culture of fat shaming. How we are desperate to lose weight, to be like that skinny model on TV. How we are sometimes our own worst critic, and the meanest remarks about ourselves come from…ourselves. What happened? Where did that love for ourselves go?

Before story time today, my friend’s three year old asked me why my tummy was so big (kids have no filters, amiright? Haha!). I replied, “Because that’s how I am!” I could have told him it is big because it has housed and grown two beautiful babies. Or because I have little self-control when it comes to ice cream. Or because I can’t get the time in the mornings to work out like I’d like to. But honestly, those are just excuses. And right now, in this very moment, I have a big tummy. And I am ok with that. I accept my big tummy, with its silvery stretch marks. That doesn’t mean I have no desire to be healthier. But I don’t have to hate myself-or hate on myself-in order for me to have the drive and desire to get healthy.

I am special. Of course the Bible mentions this too. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Wonderfully made. How often do we think of ourselves as “wonderfully made?” What joyful freedom there is in remembering that we are wonderfully made, in the image of God Himself! And not just our looks, but our personalities, our laugh, our emotions. Wonderfully made.

My daughter is four months old, and as she grows older I want her to believe that she is beautiful, and wonderful, and special. Not because of a number on a scale or the size clothes she can wear, but because she is herself. Because she is fearfully and wonderfully made. Yet, how can I instill this in her, and be full of hatred for myself? No, I must learn to love and accept me, the way I am. Not just for my daughter’s sake, but for my own sake as well. I encourage you to do the same.

It is also important to remember that when we spew hate-speech at ourselves, we are talking to God’s beloved creation. That is not ok. So I challenge you, as you look in the mirror this week, to speak kind words to yourself. Work on thinking positively about your body. Start to accept yourself, just the way you are. Doesn’t mean you can’t want to change. After all, we should be taking care of this body that God has entrusted us with. But at the end of the day, negative self-talk isn’t going to take care of our bodies any more than a double cheeseburger and super size coke will. And if we see ourselves as worthless garbage, we’re not going to be very inspired to try and change that. The beauty of our God is that He accepts us just as we are. And we should too.

And for the record, I wrote this post while devouring a giant turtle ice cream bar. And it was delicious.  

Guilt, Anger, and Crazy: Finding the Courage to Face Depression

My husband and I had been married a little over one year when things changed. Drastically. We had our first child. One month later, he started a new job. We moved to a new town, far, far away from family and friends.  I joked that it was the “perfect recipe” for a crisis situation. But I was fine, I said. Sure, the adjustment was hard, but I’m strong! I’m resilient! I’m flexible! I made it work. Or so I thought.

When my son was 9 months old, we found out we were expecting again, a total surprise. But I got this! I love having babies! But the pregnancy was harder this time, since I had a toddler to chase around. Things were rocky in my relationship with my husband, but we would manage. We would get through this! But slowly, as things got worse and worse, I found myself thinking they would never get better. I struggled to be there for my husband and son. I no longer had the desire to be a wife or mother.

After the birth of our sweet little girl, I was still in denial of how bad things were. But slowly I realized they were getting worse; I was getting worse. I couldn’t keep up with housework at all. Dishes would sit on the counter and mold. Laundry would never get done. I stopped cooking dinner. I would get up in the morning to make us some breakfast, and then lay on the couch watching TV. I wanted to stop breastfeeding, for no real reason. I couldn’t keep up with diaper laundry, and we switched to disposables. Things I used to identify with so much, that used to define me as a mom, I was abandoning. I was addicted to my iPhone, constantly playing games or on Facebook. It was my escape from the painful reality. I also had uncontrollable rage. The littlest things would set me off on my husband or my son. Overreacting is an understatement.

Finally, I realized this was NOT normal. I stated looking at symptoms of Postpartum Depression. They seemed to fit, mostly. My husband and I talked about it, and I decided to see a Christian counselor. Being kind of a “crunchy” mom, I was pretty opposed to medicine. I told myself if I could just do yoga, and go for walks, and drink water and eat right, I would get better. I wasn’t even sure I was dealing with depression. I still felt like it was entirely my fault for being worthless and lazy.

Meeting with a therapist is what really helped me come to terms with my illness. Hearing someone else say, “This is not just in your head, you are dealing with some serious stuff, and it’s ok. We’ll work through it together” was a cool wave of relief. Suddenly I wasn’t just “crazy.” Here was someone on my team, willing to listen and help.

I had only met with my counselor twice before my father was involved in a serious bicycle accident. I spent a few weeks up with my family, and during that time my attitude about medication changed. I realized this wasn’t just “postpartum” depression, this was an ongoing depression I was just now noticing. I wanted to feel better. I needed to feel better. I made an appointment with my doctor, and after much thought and discussion with friends, family, and therapist, I decided to take the medication.

I have been dealing with depression for almost two years now. But it was only recently that I realized and sought treatment. As a nurse, I knew all the warning signs of depression. But I thought I was just lazy. I was filled with guilt over what a horrible wife and mother I was. Coming out of the fog of depression, I am shocked to see just how bad my depression was, and how blind I was to it. I still have bad days and good days. But the good days are slowly starting to outweigh the bad. I have a renewed commitment to my marriage, and I finally have the energy to be a parent and do the housework. Most important, I have the energy in the morning to do a quiet time and spend some time in the sweet presence of The Lord.

Though I’m still slowly climbing out of my depression, I want to share some things I’ve learned with my sisters who may be struggling.

1.     Don’t let anyone tell you you’re not “spiritual enough.”

Can faith in God cure depression? Sure. Just like He can cure cancer, bicycle accident injuries, and the common cold. Depression is a disease. If you would seek treatment for a physical condition like say, diabetes, there is no reason to not seek treatment for a mental condition (And I don’t mean to just medication. There are lots of non-pharmaceutical treatments for depression that can be very effective).

2.     You deserve to feel better

You are a beloved daughter of the King. He LOVES you, and me. Do you think for one second that He wants you to be drowning in sea of worthlessness and guilt? And you don’t just deserve to feel better just so you can be a better wife and mom. You are made in the image of God, and you bear His mark. YOU are enough reason to seek healing.

3.     It will get better. I am still struggling to believe this, but I have to keep reminding myself of this truth. Things will not always be like this. God allows us to go through fiery trials to grow us, to prune off the dead branches, to make us more like Him. It hurts. But in the end it is for our benefit, and His glory.

Dear sister, if you are suffering in depression, you are not alone. Speak out. Talk to a trusted friend, find a Christian therapist who is trained in dealing with mental illness, join a support group. If you hear nothing else I say, hear this: You are worthy of help. You do not have to struggle alone. And there is hope in Him. 

Flats and Hand Washing Challenge: Day 7 (LAST DAY!)

This past week I have been participating in the 3rd Annual Flats and Hand Washing Challenge hosted by Dirty Diaper Laundry.

As I reflect on the last week, I realize it was not nearly the challenge I thought it would be. Even though this morning I had the messiest poopy diaper of the week, it still wasn't that bad. I hadn't washed diapers since Friday, so I had quite the stack to wash this morning, but it was still not even that challenging. 

Granted, I will be glad when I can just throw diapers in the wash, but the point of this challenge was to see how feasible it is to use flats and wash them, even if you didn't have access to a washer or dryer. And I can say I would fully recommend this method to any family struggling to afford diapers. Flats are very easy to use, easy to wash by hand, dry quickly, and it's not complicated to fold them. It would be even easier if I had a snappi or two, and some more covers. 

I'm looking forward to incorporating flats into my daily diaper routine more often now, and possibly even selling some of my pockets for a little extra cash (or maybe to buy some more covers ;p). I've learned how simple and cheap it can be to diaper a baby, and especially considering this is my first baby and I will likely have more than one baby in diapers at a time, it is good to know all my options. 

I really wish I had known about flats and prefolds before I bought all my pockets. I thought they had been phased out by the newer, cooler pocket diapers. I could have save us a lot of money. Now whenever a mom approches me about cloth diapering, I always mention prefolds and flats. =)

Well, its been a fun challenge! I'm looking forward to seeing how I use flats through out this year, and to participating next year in the challenge. Will you join me? =D

Deo Volente,

Breanna 

Flats and Hand Washing Challenge: Day 6

This week I am participating in the 3rd Annual Flats and Hand Washing Challenge hosted by Dirty Diaper Laundry.

Today I wanted to talk about how flats and/or prefolds could be incorporated into a crisis pregnancy setting. Because women facing a crisis pregnancy often aren't financially prepared to have a baby, offering information and access to cloth diapers could be a huge benefit for them.

Many crisis pregnancy centers offer classes for pregnant women and their partners, and have some reward system set up to win free baby gear. So flats and/or prefolds would be a good addition to the "baby store." For this to work, crisis pregnancy centers would have to rely on donations from churches and others of money to purchase diapers, or of the different types of cloth diapers: pockets, prefolds, flats (or anything that can be used as a flat, such as flour sack or tea towels, receiving blankets, or even old t-shirts to be cut up). Other items for the store could include covers, snappis, diaper pins, diaper sprayers, and wet bags.

While it would be nice to have flats/prefolds in the store area, unless the moms know about them and how to use them, it might be pretty useless. So I was also thinking that offering a cloth diapering class would be a good way to introduce moms to the ease and benefits of cloth. Classes would consist of an introduction to the different types of cloth diapers and how to make them themselves (such as with the t-shirt flat), how to use them on baby, and how to wash and care for them. This could include a practice wash cycle with hand washing or with the bucket style camp washer for those who have to use laundromats or have no access to washing machines. They could also learn how to make the washer themselves, and even have a quick segment on how easy and cheap it could be to make their own laundry detergent! Once the class was completed, participants could be given a list of places to purchase diaper items, both local and online, and a set amount of "store cash" to use in the cloth diaper store.

Obviously, it would take a lot to get a whole class like this started. So perhaps a better starting place is to follow the KISS method: Keep It Simple, Stupid. The class could focus only on flats and covers, hand washing, and homemade detergent. It only needs to be one evening, really. Once the class generated enough interest from both participants and donators, it could expand to include more diaper types and topics.

I truly believe that if classes like this could be incorporated into crisis pregnancy centers, it could be a huge benefit to moms worried about the cost of caring for their beautiful children, especially because diapers can be such a big cost. Supporting moms during crisis pregnancy is such an important aspect of preventing abortion, and that is a responsibility we all have.

Deo Volente
Breanna

Flats and Hand Washing Challenge: Day 5

This week I am participating in the 3rd Annual Flats and Hand Washing Challenge hosted by Dirty Diaper Laundry.

Today we were asked to share about what's working, and what isn't. Well, one thing that for sure is NOT working is one of the waterproof covers. If I leave it on Squishy to long, well...lets just say we used 3 different outfits today. 

Overall, I would say that everything has been going really well. Hand washing is working fine for me, and instead of the hatred some of the other participants feel, I'm almost hesitant about going back to my pocket diapers and washing machine. Seriously, these flats are just that easy. I'm not sure if I will give up my pockets entirely, but I honestly don't know what I will do for a diaper on Monday morning. I guess we will just have to find out. 

Last night/this morning I didn't do so well with my "wash as we go" routine, which left me with a pile of 6 dirty flats. I had to break into my t-shirt stash (they worked great, by the way). So I decided to ditch the sink and use the bathtub. It was kind of fun, swishing and squashing the diapers with my feet. It took about 20 or so minutes to wash, rinse, wring, and hang all 6 diapers and 3 wipes. Not bad really.  Now they just need to be folded.....

I think at the moment that is the hardest part for me, keeping the clean diapers folded so they are ready for instant use. I pretty much only use the Jo fold, then stick a cover over it. His clothes still fit (though we haven't been using pants, thanks to this warm weather). Flats are a lot slimmer than I had originally thought. 

So, that's pretty much it. I think the challenge has been RIDICULOUSLY easy for me, especially compared to how freaked out about it I was last week. Most everything I've tried has worked for me, and if it hasn't, I've been able to easily adapt to it. And since it's late and I'm exhausted, I'll leave it at that. =)

Deo Volente

Breanna

Flats and Hand Washing Challenge: Day 4

This week I am participating in the 3rd Annual Flats and Hand Washing Challenge hosted by Dirty Diaper Laundry. 

Today's topic: Hand Washing!

"Say WHAT?!" 

More like, "say yuck!!"

Actually, it hasn't been so bad. But let's face it, my career choice involves the extensive handling of other people's feces, so I'm kinda used to it. But at least when I handled poop at work I had gloves....

Since I wanted to be as cheap and frugal as possible with this challenge, I opted out of making a sweet camp-style bucket washer, and decided to just wash in the tub. Then, one of the other moms in the challenge mentioned that she washes as she goes in the sink. This seemed like a much better option. So here's my routine:

Once I take off a dirty diaper, I bring it to the bathroom where I will hopefully be able to wash it right away. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it doesn't. But once I do get around to washing, I rinse a pee pee diaper in the sink with some cold water. If it's a poop diaper, I swish it in the toilet till the solid pieces fall off. Yes, its a little gross, but I don't actually have to touch a wet or poopy part of the diaper, I can hold a dry, clean corner. Then it goes in the sink under the cold water just like the other diaper. If necessary I will rub the diaper against itself to scrub off a few remaining little pieces of turd. That's the grossest part, because you are kind of touching poopy water. But you get over it, because you know there's soap and you can wash your hands, and besides you get gross stuff on your hands all the time because hey, you're a mom!

After I have thoroughly rinsed the diapers in cold water, I switch to hot water and let it get as hot as it will, which is about as hot as I can handle. Ideally, I would plug the sink and let it fill with hot water. I say ideally because my plug is broke, so I have to clog it with a wipe or something to get it to semi-fill and drain really slow. While it's semi-filling with hot water, I add just a few drops of 7th Generation Free & Clear detergent, depending on how many diapers I'm using. Swish the diapers in the hot soapy water, squeeze water through them, scrub them against each other, whatever you feel like doing to get them clean. Then drain.

Fill (or attempt to fill) the sink with water again, and rinse. Again, squeeze water through the flats, swish around in the clean water, anything to get the soapy water out. I usually do about two rinses until the diapers smell like nothing and leave no soap bubbles when rung out. 

Then, you squeeeeeeeeze out as much water as you can. The less water in the flat, the less time it will take to dry. Once it's properly wrung out, I will hang it on the front porch, or the garden fence, or over the shower curtain, depending on the time of day. In direct sunlight, the flats dry in less than an hour. They are really stiff and rough after line drying, so you have to give them a few snaps, wring them again, rough 'em up a bit till they soften back up. Then, you're ready to fold and re-use. 

Because the flats dry so fast, and I'm washing right after he uses them, I haven't even touched my t-shirt diapers. So I'm really only using only 9 diapers for the challenge. But it's nice to know if something happened and I couldn't wash, I'd have a back-up stash. 

I haven't left the house much this week, but there was one day I was out for several hours. I simply put the diapers in a plastic bag (I know....so UN-crunchy) and washed them once I got home. He didn't have too many, since we were only gone a few hours. So it was still very doable.

Another thing that makes hand washing easier is that we're doing a form of elimination communication (EC), where if I sense Squishy needs to go to the bathroom, I will set him on his little Cars potty and say, "Go pee pee! Psssssssssssssss." And he looks at me with this giant grin and pees. It's super adorable, and it saves me from having to wash a diaper!! I usually take him right after he wakes up from a nap, since I've notice he doesn't pee while asleep and won't pee until a few minutes after waking. Also, if I notice him straining to have a bowel movement, I will rush him to the potty and let him finish it in there.  Usually I can get him to the potty before the poop gets on the diaper. It's a super diaper saver, and its helping Squishy get adjusted to doing his business NOT in his pants. Hopefully it will make potty training easier.  

Apparently shaking out diapers is hilarious.

So there you have it! How I wash diapers by hand. It's really simple, and honestly, I think I almost prefer it to the pockets. Especially since we have a community laundry room, I hate having to haul my dipes down there and then remember not to leave them in there all day. This way the diapers can be washed on my terms, and I don't have a big pile of laundry waiting for me. I really wish I had known about this before I bought all my expensive pocket diapers. I'm sure DH would have been so much more on board with the whole cloth thing if he had known it would only cost $2. :p

Until tomorrow!

Deo Volente

Breanna