Image Credit: www.bayareaintactivists.org/
I have debated writing on this issue for a while. I want to
talk about it, but I’m honestly scared. This topic is so sensitive, and yet it
must be addressed. I cannot keep silent anymore.
In early spring of 2012, my husband and I found out we were
having a son. We were so excited! I had been researching more and more into
natural childbirth, and was finding my place in the online communities
dedicated to the support and encouragement of moms who wanted this type of
birth experience. I knew deep down this was the way birth was meant to be, and
I was thrilled to be around people who understood and felt the same way.
As with many “natural” childbirth circles, other topics are
often discussed: breastfeeding, organic eating, natural/homemade cleaners and
beauty supplies…….and circumcision. I was already pretty familiar with the
term, having grown up in a Christian home reading about Abraham's covenant with
YHWH, and Paul’s addressing the question of circumcision in the early Church. But for all that, by the time I
got to college, I still really had no clue as to what it meant to “circumcise”
someone. I remember sitting in anatomy lab late one night with just a few
classmates as our teacher illustrated on the white board what was removed
during the procedure. It helped, but I still didn’t quite understand (again, conservative Christian home, I had never even seen an adult penis in real life, let alone an intact one).
Fast forward to my third semester of nursing school: Maternal-Child
Nursing, where part of our clinical requirements included assisting with
circumcisions of newborn babies. I can remember the room, the bassinet, the
purple glove and the little container of sugar water, a glint of silver from a clamp, but that’s it. I couldn’t
tell you what happened to those babies. I don’t know if they slept or screamed.
What they looked like before and after the procedure. I am definitely starting
to wonder if perhaps my brain has shut out those terrible memories. I cannot
tell you the shame and remorse I feel knowing I assisted in the cruel and
unnecessary cosmetic surgery of those newborn. But that’s not how I thought of it
then, of course.
Several years later, while pregnant with our son, I started
hearing snippets of conversation about circumcision, people sharing how
unnecessary and harmful the procedure actually is to boys. I started to wonder
if perhaps we should look into leaving our son intact. However, I allowed
myself to be swayed by my friends, family, and spouse. All the men in my family
are cut, so it didn’t seem like that big of a deal for our son. Not to mention, if God had commanded His beloved people to perform the procedure on their sons, it really couldn't be as bad as other claimed, right?
I remember wanting to go in the room with our son during the procedure,
but the doctor basically told me I couldn’t. I already felt beaten down by the
opinions of others, and I didn’t have it in me to fight the doctor. Heart
plummeting, I let him take my newborn son away. When they brought him back some
time later, he was calm and sucking on a pacifier. We hadn’t really introduced
pacifiers yet, so that frustrated me. Then I noticed a pink stain on his
collar. The doctor told me it was Tylenol. I was livid that they would give my
newborn son Tylenol, and pink-dyed Tylenol nonetheless, without my consent. What if I had already given him a dose? We left the clinic, and buckled
our son in his seat. He began screaming. He screamed the entire way home. I knew from that moment on
we had made a huge mistake.
Once home, I sat down in the rocker with the Boppy
pillow and tried to comfort him, but he was too upset to nurse and was
extremely fussy. I began crying, wondering why I had allowed this to happen to
my little baby boy. But as time wore on, I convinced myself it was OK. He
healed fine, and besides wasn’t it recommended? Wouldn’t it keep him healthier? I had just had to justify what we did to our son. I even tried writing an article in defense of circumcision, an undertaking I
eventually gave up on because I realized I could not fully support my own
conclusions.
I refused to admit
that circumcision was anything like Female Genital Mutilation (FGM), they were
obviously SO different. Right? It won’t have any longer term effects. Right?
It’s healthier for him. Right? No, no, and no. I began to learn more about the
functions of the foreskin. I learned how the loss of a foreskin affects a man,
AND his sexual partners. I learned that no other first world country practices
routine infant circumcision, and their men are just as healthy, if not more
healthy, than ours. Slowly, I began to see just how wrong it was to take away
this healthy part of a baby boy’s genitals.
It isn’t easy to admit that. Before I allowed myself to
accept that as truth, I could believe I had done a normal, healthy thing for
our son. Now, I live daily with the regret of what I did. I allowed my son to
be strapped down to a table, his penis ripped apart by a scalpel, for no reason
other than cosmetics. I know someday I will have to sit down with my son and
explain to him what I have done. I will have to ask his forgiveness for forever
altering his most private area and removing his most sensitive, erogenous tissues, without good reason and without his consent.
With every bath, with every diaper change, I relive the knowledge of what I
took not only from my son, but from his future wife as well.
I am a regret mom. Like a scarlet letter, I bear the title
with an odd mixture of shame and pride. I can stand here today and encourage
other moms to keep their sons perfect and whole, the way they were born. I can
say with all honesty “I went there, I did that, and it was terrible. Please
don’t choose the same path I did.” I will stand up and speak truth so that
someday no boys will have to be hurt the way my son is hurt. It isn’t easy to
speak up, either. My spouse and my parents think I’m crazy. They don’t understand
why this is such a big deal to me. Maybe someday they will. But for my son,
“someday” came too late. I look forward to the day when this barbaric practice
is so unheard of in our country that people won’t be able to believe we
actually used to treat our newborn sons this way.
For more information on circumcision and why I believe it is an unnecessary, cosmetic procedure, please visit:
www.facebook.com/WholeChristian
